maybe someday i'll get back to being a good blogger.
lately i kinda stink at it.
sorry world, i know you count on my updates to make it through each day...

things have been going well here so far.
i do have these moments where i kinda freak out and want to run away. but this is very typical for me, so it only brings mild concern. i have just learned to deal with the fact that i'm always going to wonder if wherever i am is the "best" or "right" place for me to be. the truth is that it doesn't really matter. life is life, dynamic and changing. nothing is ever for sure.

sometimes i get frustrated about the things that make me who i am- mostly the things that are a blessing and a curse. the stellar attributes that result in other traits that are less than desirable. the longing for adventure which paves way for an inability to feel settled, or when i do feel settled i get anxious, desperate to move on. a flexibility in life that results in the inability to make decisions, or worse, apathy. the desire for excellence, creating an unattainable perfectionism standard leading to feelings of worthlessness.

today i decided to bake cookies. this isn't abnormal lately- in the past week and a half i've baked pineapple cake, chocolate cookies, brownies, and oatmeal cookies. it's nice to have a kitchen again. anyway, as i was baking murphy was on the phone with the camp she consults for in cali and was talking camp stuff... and, i hate to say it, but it totally made me camp-sick. i blame the weather. though it's only late march here, it feels like early may, which means prep for summer camp season. it's super weird to not be preparing for summer camp this year. i think my camp detox is going to be really hard... hopefully being here will help. partly because murphy and evan are here and they know what it's like. i'm still not convinced that i won't eventually be at camp again someday... but God only knows.

last week i had an interview for a job here. it was one i'd applied for about a month ago and was kind of surprised they called me. it's with the YMCA and it sounds like a good fit for me right now. the big thing is i need a WA driver's license... which means officially changing my residency to washington state. that kind of permanency is downright terrifying. and also kind of a pain in the butt. i need to get proof that i live here, etc and it is going to be a process. mom called me and courtney texted me saying they'd heard from the YMCA people today for references, so i guess things are moving along.
this is difficult.
because it means giving up the possibility that was starting to exist for me to go back to springhill. but i think this is the right choice right now, as tough as it may be.
*sigh*

life continues to amaze me, and by that i mean God continues to amaze me.